Trying to Understand This Ever-Changing Body

For many years I have been a curvaceous “twig.”

Being a WOC ( women of color), the perception of my body has always been a huge thing for me, as well as my mind.

Growing up I always wanted the wide hips, big butt, because that was all I knew for women to be shaped, especially black women.

Although I knew other girls and women who didn’t have wide hips or big butts and identified as “twigs” like me, it didn’t matter. We body shamed ourselves, with numerous conversations focused on how to make our butts bigger and hips wider.

Men never shamed me for my body size or image, but woman continuously shamed me.

Being shamed caused collateral mental damage for me. I didn’t accept my body as a “twig,” and when my body started maturing and filling out, I couldn’t appreciate the body I always wanted and finally achieved.

I fell into a rabbit hole. When I noticed myself gaining weight, I would work out excessively. I tried being a vegetarian, pescatarian, and vegan. When I would go back to my usual weight because I figured it was who I am, and at least the media accepts it. I got comfortable with staying skinny. I would drink lots of tea and eat terribly, gain weight again because I subconsciously wanted a big butt and wide hips. The cycle continued until I gained weight and I wasn’t losing it.

Not losing weight put me into a depression, I felt as if all the control I once had vanished. Lucky for me my mind was intact, so all of the resources I gathered through my trials of losing and gaining weight began to go into effect. I rid myself of all the toxins and started to love myself despite my bodies every-changing ways.

I had to love myself as a whole, internally and externally. Aside from my body, my entire world changed. Everything around me began to end, such as friendships, jobs, and intimate relationships.

Little did I know many toxic energies surrounded me, and for most of my life I practiced coercive narratives, which is a story, message we coerce ourselves into doing or believing.

For a long time, half of my mind was filled with negative thoughts and the other half was positive. It wasn’t until I started practicing mindfulness when my thoughts narrowed into a more positive coercive narrative.

After a couple of months of being mindful, I was in a healthier relationship that led to marriage. I surrounded myself with people who had a favorable view of the world, and I began to love my body.

When my mind was split into negative and positive thoughts, I noticed I treated my body based on the state of my mind.

Now that my thoughts are on a narrow path I can accept my body. I concluded that this new body that I am currently in, somewhat curvy, with a small butt and hips is the body I am supposed to have.

I am healthy; I work out only when my body tells me to. I eat the way I please, and I enjoy the shape I am. Listening to my body has helped me understand it better and being mindful has helped me decipher what is right for my body and what isn’t.

Since I am in my late 20’s I know I am only experiencing the beginning phases of this ever-changing body. Due to the resources, I have gathered over the years I am comfortable to fall back on them in times of need, on days my mind may need an extra push to accept the natural changes of my body.

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